


Class Clown

by fak3_y0u_0ut



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, I cried writing this, I'm Sorry, LISTEN TO THE SONG FIRST ITS IMPORTANT I EVEN PROVIDED A LINK AND EVERYTHING, M/M, Pining Tanaka, Song fic, someone save him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-30 04:59:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10154192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fak3_y0u_0ut/pseuds/fak3_y0u_0ut
Summary: "But it seems I've grown attached to the thought of you,and to tell the truth,I use humor to mask my insecurities,so I try to be funny,quite a bit."(Song fic based on Class Clown by Anthony Amorim)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was feeling inspired today so I finally got around to writing this idea. Be sure to listen to the song first because there's a LOT of lyrics used/referenced !!!!! I feel terrible for writing this but oh well, everyone needs a little angst in their life, right? Enjoy ;)

_[Song - Class Clown by Anthony Amorim](https://youtu.be/u-vh_ZVpFD4) _

* * *

 

“Ryuu,” Noya said, waving his hand in front of Tanaka’s face. “I’m trying to talk to you.”

“Sorry, just thinking…” Tanaka said, shaking his head and bringing himself back to reality. He chewed on the cap of his water bottle, still deep in thought. Practice was going just fine that day, yet Tanaka was in a different world during their water break.

“About what?” Noya asked. He followed Tanaka’s gaze and saw Ennoshita and Yamaguchi talking several feet away. “About them?” Tanaka hesitantly nodded.

“Ennoshita and Yamaguchi have been talking an awful lot lately, don’t you think?” Tanaka said.

“Well yeah,” Noya said. “Is there a problem with that though?”

“Do you think they’re like, a thing?” Tanaka wondered out loud, still keeping his eyes on their two teammates talking and laughing.

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Noya said, waving his hand. “Don’t you think that’s kinda jumping to conclusions?”

“I’m just wondering!” Tanaka said, throwing his hands up in defense.

“I mean, they might, but I doubt it, it’s a bit of a reach. I think they have a lot in common, with Ennoshita being the future captian and Yamaguchi being the future future captain,” Noya explained.

“You think Yamaguchi is gonna be captain?” Tanaka asked. He didn't necessarily disagree, but he never gave it much thought.  


“You really think any other first years are qualified to be captain?” Noya said, raising an eyebrow.

“That’s true,” Tanaka agreed.

“Anyways, back to your original statement, no I do not think they’re a thing. Plus Ennoshita probably finds it relieving to have a semi-sane person to talk to that isn’t a handful, like us,” Noya said.

“What’s wrong with us?” Tanaka asked defensively. “We’re delightful!” 

“Believe me, I know,” Noya laughed.”But you know what I said is true. Kinoshita and Narita aren’t enough to keep him sane I bet.”

“True,” Tanaka shrugged. Noya then asked him a question he wasn’t quite prepared for.

“Why do you ask?” Noya asked. When Tanaka answered with a shrug, Noya kept prying. “Are you _ jealous _ ?” he asked, a grin creeping across his face.

_ Yes. _ “No,” Tanaka lied. Noya rolled his eyes.

“Whatever you say, buddy,” Noya said. “And don’t worry, your secret is safe with me,” he said, placing a hand on Tanaka’s shoulder before walking away.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tanaka called after him.

“One day I’ll get you to say it out loud!” Noya claimed without even turning around. Tanaka clicked his tongue. Noya knew him too well. Tanaka was able to hide his...feelings towards Ennoshita from the rest of the team, but when it came to Noya, he couldn’t be anymore transparent. He continued to watch Yamaguchi and Ennoshita. He noticed the faint dimple that would form every time Ennoshita smiled, which was quite often. Enno seemed to be able to talk to Yamaguchi effortlessly. He seemed so engaged and interested in what Yamaguchi had to say. Tanaka felt his chest tighten, the same way it did every time he saw Ennoshita and Yamaguchi together. He wished it was him who always kept Ennoshita interested, yet that rarely seemed to be the case. He didn’t want to hate Yamaguchi, if anything, he adored him. He was so sweet and kind, and quite the cutie. But Tanaka couldn’t help but seethe with envy when he saw the freckled first year. Eventually, he got tired of helplessly watching the two, and decided to try and join the conversation. Instead, he ended up just interrupting.

“Hey Ennoshita,” he said, casually swinging an arm over Enno’s shoulder to pull him close. “Wanna help me with homework tonight?”

“Maybe,” Ennoshita said, stiffening underneath Tanaka’s grip. “What do you need help with?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Tanaka said. “I have no idea what’s going on in class,” he laughed. Ennoshita sighed.

“Tanaka, I can’t help you if you don’t pay attention during your lessons, I can only do so much,” he said, raising an eyebrow.

“C’monnnn,” Tanaka begged, sticking his bottom lip out to pout.

“Maybe you should stop spending so much time being the class clown, and a little more time paying attention in class,” Ennoshita quipped. “Then we’ll talk.” Yamaguchi giggled innocently.

“Oh,” Tanaka whispered, sliding his arm off of Ennoshita. “Right,” he said before backing away, leaving Ennoshita and Yamaguchi to resume their conversation. Ennoshita’s words rang in his head.  _ Class clown. _ It was an innocent name, yet Tanaka felt his heart sink. All he wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, and stay there for a week.

* * *

 

That night, Tanaka curled into a ball on his bed, hugging a pillow tight. He hated this feeling, he was sick of it. He couldn’t get what Ennoshita said out of his head.  _ Class clown.  _ Was that really all he was to Ennoshita?  _ I’m just a joke to him, _ Tanaka thought. _ He’ll never see me as anything more than a complete fucking joke.  _ He heard his phone vibrate, so he picked it up to see who texted him.

     **Noya:** I asked Ennoshita about Yamaguchi

     **Noya:** He says they're not a thing

**Noya:** ;)

_Well that doesn't fucking help me if he still thinks I'm a joke,_ Tanaka thought, tossing his phone aside. He squeezed his pillow even tighter. He buried his face into it and screamed. 

* * *

 

The next week has hell for Tanaka. The way he felt about Ennoshita was just so damn  _ frustrating _ . All he wanted to do was make him smile and laugh, but all he seemed to do was annoy Ennoshita. He tried so hard to be funny, to be likeable, but suddenly it all seemed futile. He was a nuisance to everyone around him, including Ennoshita. His overwhelming self confidence was just a facade, a facade so good that even Tanaka had been fooling himself. He suddenly felt out of place. He became incredibly self conscious about what his friends thought of him, especially Ennoshita. Tanaka desperately wanted to be something special to Ennoshita, but he knew it would never happen. Not as long as he was taken as a joke. Not as long as Tanaka was, well, Tanaka. He slowly faded into the background of his friend group, even the entire volleyball team. He kept to himself for a couple days, until Ennoshita confronted him about it.

“Hey, Tanaka, what’s up with you?” he asked after practice one day while everyone was packing up to go home.

“What d’you mean?” Tanaka mumbled.

“You’ve been awfully quiet lately, you haven’t been your loud, bold self,” Ennoshita said. Tanaka shrugged.

“I didn’t really notice I was acting different,” he lied. 

“Hm. Well, I miss the old Tanaka, the  _ real _ Tanaka,” Ennoshita said, smiling so the corners of his eyes crinkled. 

“Y-you do?” Tanaka asked. _He can’t be serious…_

“Yeah! I miss having someone to laugh at,” Ennoshita said. And those were the words that broke Tanaka. Tanaka clenched his jaw and picked up his stuff.

“I see. Sorry,” he said coldly, and stormed out of the locker room. _ I really am just a joke to him, _ he thought as he started running home. He felt like he was about to explode, or implode, or break into a million pieces, or something along those lines, he wasn’t quite sure which. He was coming undone at the seams as he ran faster and harder, the pounding in his head drowning out the sound of his shoes slapping the road. 

The moment he slammed the front door shut, Tanaka knew Saeko would be on his ass. He ran to his room and closed the door behind him, careful not to slam it this time. He dropped his stuff and dove face first into his bed, hoping his sister would leave him alone. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to get rid of tears the felt forming. He refused to let himself cry over Ennoshita. He hasn’t yet, and he wasn’t going to start now. He chanted  _ don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, _ over and over again in his head until he heard his sister open the door. She silently sat down next to him on his bed and rubbed his back.

“You wanna tell me what’s wrong?” she asked. 

“Nothing’s wrong,” Tanaka groaned into his pillow.

“Ryuu, I know that’s a lie, you’ve been acting weird all week,” Saeko said.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Tanaka said. Saeko sighed, she wasn’t getting anywhere. There was a moment of silence before she suggested something.

“Write a letter,” she said simply. Tanaka scrambled to push himself up on his elbows and whipped his head to look at Saeko.

“What!?” he said, exasperated.  _ A confession letter!? I can’t write a confession oh my fucking god- How does she even know!?!?  _

“A letter,” she said again, tilting her head in confusion. “Write it to whoever or whatever is bothering you. It’s not like they’ll read it. Just write all your thoughts on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it away. That always helps me.”

“Oh,” Tanaka said, relieved. He buried his face back into his pillow. “Maybe I’ll try that later,” he groaned. Part of him wished he had the courage to tell his sister what was bothering him, she was probably better with this stuff than he was. But all he managed to say was, “Maybe I’ll tell you about it later.”

“That’s okay,” Saeko said, rubbing the back of her brother’s shaved head. “Don’t beat yourself up too much,” she said before getting up and closing the door behind her. Tanaka sighed in relief, happy she didn’t pry too much. She was a good sister.

After wallowing in self pity and groaning into his pillow, Tanaka found himself getting up to sit at his desk. He got out a piece of paper and a pencil, and stared at the paper blankly for a couple minutes. He took a deep breath before picking up his pencil. He knew Saeko said he doesn’t have to deliver this letter, but he still felt nervous for some reason, as if he thought Ennoshita would see it. He slowly wrote “Dear Chik” on the top of the paper, and erased it, deciding against using Ennoshita’s first name. The thought of even writing it made Tanaka blush. _Get it together Ryuu._ He stared at the paper for a long time, collecting his thoughts. What did he want to say to Ennoshita? How would he even say it? 

 

_           Dear Ennoshita, _

_      I hope this doesn’t freak you out, _

 

Tanaka took one more deep breath, before pouring his heart out onto the paper.

 

_       I hope this doesn’t freak you out, but I thought I’d just say hey. Hahah, that's a lie. There’s actually a lot more I want to say.  _

 

He clenched his  jaw as he wrote. _ Starting off with a shitty joke, real smooth Ryuu. _

 

_      I know we’ve barely spoken outside of school and practice and studying, but it seems I’ve grown attached to the thought of you. I know you think I’m nothing more than a joke, that you don’t see me as anything more or less than a joke, but I don’t blame you. To tell the truth, I use humor to mask my insecurities, so I try to be funny all the time. I want to make people laugh, especially you. God, I try so hard to make you laugh, to make you smile and hopefully catch a glimpse of that little dimple that you get when you smile really big. I stumble over so many jokes you’ve probably heard before, hoping to keep your attention. You seem so much more interested in other people, and I wish it was me who could do that. I think about it way too much. I think about you way too much, I need to stop overthinking it, but I can’t help it. I’m sorry. _

_      I might not be everything you ask for. I know that. You might take a look at me and say, “Is this the kind of guy who chases after me?” And truth be told, it is. I would ask you to take me as I am, but it won’t do any good. Because what you see isn’t who I am. I would show you if I could. I change the way I speak, and how I act, and what I say, because I’m afraid you won’t like me any other way. I keep trying to be funny to cover up how insecure I am, it’s pathetic. And here I am, struggling to find the words of a letter I wrote for you. A letter you’ll probably never read. Because I’m too ashamed, and too afraid. What kind of person writes a confession letter to a guy he knows won’t ever feel the same way?  _

_ I just want to be the person to make you laugh, to make you smile, to make you happy. You're so fucking beautiful and amazing and I wish you could see that. I want to be special to you, but I know I’ll never be anything more than a joke to you. It was a foolish idea to even write this letter in the first place. Indeed, I truly am a class clown. But I know I’ll throw this letter away, and the next time I see you, I’ll close my eyes and count to ten. I need to stop overthinking you. _

_ -Tanaka Ryuunosuke _

 

By the time he signed his name, Tanaka was crying. Hard. He could stop the tears from rolling down his face and onto his desk. He made sure none fell onto the letter. That just would’ve been pathetic. He pulled the collar of his tee shirt up and wiped his face before grabbing an envelope. He neatly folded the letter and placed it inside, and sealed it. He carefully wrote Ennoshita's name onto the envelope and slipped it into his bag. After that, he folded his arms on his desk, and put his head down. The tears started flowing again as a sob ripped through him. He sat hunched over at his desk, hiccuping and crying as he let all the tears he’s been holding in for almost a year come out. It hurt. Keeping everything inside of him hurt so much. Everything he had been holding in poured out at once. He wept at his desk for an hour before picking himself up to go to bed. He didn't even bother changing before curling up underneath his blankets, shedding a couple silent tears before finally falling asleep.

* * *

 

Tanaka purposely showed up late to after school practice the next day. The letter in his bag felt like it was weighing him down the whole day. _I shouldn't have even brought._ He trudged to the club room, and as planned, no one was inside when he got there. He took deep breathes before setting his stuff down. He felt jittery. He had no idea how Ennoshita would react to the letter. His heart pounded as began to get changed and saw Ennoshita’s stuff in the corner. After changing, he got the envelope out. He thoughtfully brushed his thumb over it before taking a deep breath, and walking towards Ennoshita’s bag. He hesitated. _ I can't do this _ . 

“I can't do this,” he whispered under his breath. "I can't fucking do this." He angrily crumpled up the envelope with the confession inside. _I'm a fucking idiot for thinking I could do this._ "I can't fucking _do this,_ " he screamed in frustration and threw the crumpled paper towards the trash bin before stomping out of the club room. He couldn't tell Ennoshita how he felt. He could  _ never _ tell Ennoshita how he felt.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I truly am, I felt so bad hurting Tanaka like this, but I felt like the ennotana tag could use more pining Tanaka. Plus I just really love this song and I feel like it fits them so well, I needed to do this concept justice. As always, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it :)


End file.
